your new york weekend, had you been in new york

Is it possible that Sarah and Whitney could have a weekend in New York without constant mention and thought of the other two white mothers? Nope. We're sure that if the entire clan were here they would have:

Gotten the same cute dress at H&M:Helped us finish an overwhelming Forbidden Broadway Sundae and Frozen Hot Chocolate at Serendipity:
Watched Wicked from the front row:
Gazed into the Sunset from Fort Tryon Park with us:Gotten makeovers with us at Bloomingdales:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY WHITNEY!

Mental Minefields

So, one of our four white mothers has discussed the idea of mental minefields with me. We heard the phrase and found it incredibly accurate. Mental minefields occur when you are going along in your day, doing just fine, and then you suddenly see something, smell something, hear something, do something, or even just have a random thought, and you are back in the moment. The moment could be remembering a tragic event, missing a lost chance at love, feeling the loss of amazing roomates, or, perhaps, just the remembrance of an experience. The actual remembrance of events incurred by the mental minefield could have occured eons ago, but they appear as if they were just 10 minutes ago. All of the feelings, trauma, experiences, and joy come rushing back in a painful, exploding minefield that seems to come from nowhere. Minefield implies no warning, after-the-fact, and no solution. Here comes a little bit of my IR talk, but do you know how hard it is to rid a war-torn country of minefields? Take Mozambique - it has been 14 years and will still take at least 40 to 50 more. They are hidden, and hidden well. They don't necessarily show themselves in times of battle, but can be right there, waiting for you to trigger them. Perhaps they just diminish with time, but the feelings that they trigger don't seem to follow that same trend. Anyways, I wanted to share a mental minefield experience with you all. I won't bore you with what triggered it, and these aren't even my own pictures, but I wanted to share this part of me with you. Perhaps it could be cathartic if it is partially recorded. (I am still working on getting some of my own photos up here!)

African sunsets have no equal. Not even California sunsets, though they are a close runner-up!


No matter how much you would hope, this is not an uncommon sight. The smoke is probably trash burning in the background. It happens a lot. This probably isn't even a designated dump. I don't think I ever actually saw a designated dump.

This is the harbor of Maputo, the capital city. There is such a mix of history, despair, hope, and life everywhere in thie country. What a contrast between modern life sitting next to the old.

So many amazing photos on the internet, and this one evokes the most emotion. Sheesh, I think I'm starting to tear up here in the computer lab. It doesn't help that "Dust in the Wind" by Kansas just came on the internet radio site that I am listening to. Well, I know that you are all probably sick of my redundant yearnings for a place and people that are so far away, so I will let you go. Just one last thought...tomorrow marks exactly 5 weeks since I arrived back from Africa...

Mental Minefields...

bold enough to take you on

I wish you girls could have been with me on Saturday night as Damien Rice crooned into the salty coastal air. His set was riddled with songs I've never heard, and one in particular I know you'll all be crazy about when it finally comes out. Of course it sounds much better with Damien's heartbreaking emotion behind it, but here are some of the lyrics to pour over until the album's December-ish release:

Do you come together ever with him? Is he dark enough? Enough to see your light? Do you brush your teeth before you kiss? Do you miss my smell? And is he bold enough to take you on? Do you feel like you belong? And does he drive you wild? Or just mildly free? What about me? Well I know I make you cry And I know sometimes you wanna die But do you really feel alive without me?
If so, be free
If not, leave him for me

A Midsummer Night's Dream

The names in this post have been changed to protect the innocent.

“She’s just so cute!” Jarom couldn’t stop smiling yesterday as he told me of the butterflies swirling inside. An exasperated eddy of excitement gushed out of him as he questioned and wondered aloud. And then a sigh, “but why does she have to be 300 miles away?”

The tomato soup bubbled and popped as it began to boil. I quickly reached over to turn down the heat as I flipped a grilled cheese on the other burner and Harmony continued, “And then he just kind of grabbed my hand. It was really sweet and determined, but I probably wouldn’t be nearly as excited if I didn’t like him so much.”

Knocking. Incessant knocking. I rolled over and picked up my phone, then blinked hard to focus. 2:30 am. Who in the world was knocking at this hour? I slid out of bed and walked groggily to the door. I didn’t even look through the peephole, just pulled the chain-lock out of its place and turned the bolt to open the door. There stood my roommate with a grin so toothy I knew something was up. “What are you doing?” I dragged myself down the hall to follow her as she floated towards her bedroom. Bobbing her head from side to side as her eyes sparkled, the beginning of an explanation finally came. “Guess who held hands a cuddled with a cute boy tonight?”

You might think it’s more than I can handle, being surrounded by this cloud of summer romance and friends who find themselves neck-deep in sudden smit. But so far I have found it all quite enchanting. I even had to smile last night as I read a tribute to one’s new love in the form of a blog. If the hopeless romantic in me is forced to live vicariously, so be it. But allow the summer months pass as lifeless and dark as winter? I certainly will not.

Core.

It's an interesting word, isn't it? Not as fun to say as pith, but ultimately with the same meaning: the crux, the essence, the nub. I don't think it's coincidence that a very similar word - cuore - is Italian for 'heart.' I've been thinking a lot about what is in my core, what really makes me who I am, and what makes me tick - either to progress or stand still. It seems that as I have interacted with a vast array of different people in the past few months, I have heard of countless life-altering experiences. Courses in the history of art that changed the way one visually perceives everything in the world. Voyages to Africa that forever transformed the gratitude that one feels for things from possessions to health. I've found myself in conversations, telling of my own experiences and people have said, "Wow, that must have changed your life." Yes. That's my immediate response. But the question is, has it really? Or was it only a temporary change? I suppose at this moment I am a sum of all of the experiences I have had and sought and every choice I've made. But I'm convinced that there's something more to changing than simply passing through an experience and then moving on with life. Or am I wrong? Perhaps. All I know is that someone has apparently left his cruel core behind. Maybe he's left his core behind entirely. Or maybe it never existed.

Just Breathe

Hello lovies! There is a man named Tony at a hotel in London that would say that to me and my friend Ashlee every morning. Sometimes I wonder about him. I wonder about people that work at cheap hotels. And I wonder how they get there. And why they stay there. Apparently Tony is still around since Ashlee has been saying there and getting the same morning greeting as we did four years ago. Interesting. I've decided to follow Jo's fabulous stream of consciousness writing style. It always makes me happy.

Tonight I had such a great time with some friends that came over. You know in Fried Green Tomatoes, how at the end the Ms. Threadgoode says she figured out what the secret of life is? I think she's right: Friends. Best friends. Which is what makes me miss you girls so much, but also makes me thankful for the good friends I have been able to make in other places. I can't believe I'm leaving in three weeks. Three weeks. It makes me really sad to think about saying goodbye to this place. I never thought I'd say that. But it's just like the R.E.M. song, "Leaving New York, never easy..." It's true. Speaking of music, I got two phone calls today from people who called because songs that they heard reminded them of me. Can I just say that makes me really happy? I love being associated with good music in people's minds.

Have you heard of couch surfing? I am so intrigued by it. A guy I met at church today, named Kellen, came over and we visited for a few hours. He showed me couchsurfing.com. Which is a worldwide network of people that are willing to let you sleep on their couch/floor/bed, whatever. For free. He actually knows a girl that couch surfed her way through Europe. Isn't that incredible? It reminded me of when I got a letter from Meredith while I was on my mission. She was in Corsica, hitchhiking, and staying with random people she met in piazzas. If I had one of you with me, I would totally couch surf. We should some time. Just for the heck of it. Even if it's not in an exotic place. Just for the heck of it. Oh, I just said that. But really, wouldn't it just be fun to let the wind blow you wherever it wanted? Anyone in?

So, for Prague - I wrote to one of my teacher-friends from high school that I knew had been to Prague. She is putting me in touch with her best friend in the whole wide world, who is actually living in Prague, in an old castle just outside the city. Yeah, I said castle. I would be mucho grateful if she'd hook me up!

I'm so tired. Well, I guess my thoughts are fairly organized despite my attempt to let them "stream." Have you ever wanted to not like someone for something that they do, and then realized that you do it too? I had one of those moments this morning. Not that we should try to not like people, just sometimes we need to. To make life easier. Goodnight.

Something to Pass the Time

Well, since nobody has posted anything for quite a while, I decided that I would take the initiative. As I was pondering the geographical distance between many of the four white mothers, I realized that what we are really missing out on is the everyday random conversation that we engaged in so readily not so long ago. Due to that loss, I decided to fill you in on what I would say to you if you were here and listening (or pretending to listen)! Why am I so amazingly jealous when I look at pictures of a friend in Greece and New Zealand when I just got back from Africa 3 weeks ago? Why can't I figure out how fix my stinking pictures so they will fit on this blog? Math really stinks sometimes, expecially at 8am. At the same time, though, I kind of enjoy it. Math, I mean, not having an 8am class. When my Mom was filling me up on all of the engagement announcements on Monday, she stopped in the middle and asked, "Should I stop? Is this making you sad?" What is that all about? Not that finding out a girl I graduated with is getting married and then moving with her husband as he attends Harvard Law School isn't mildly depressing, but what can you do? Does everybody almost die when they get pregnant? It seems to be a growing trend.
Am I EVER going to graduate? I'm a little worried about my grandpa because his health seems to be declining pretty rapidly. Why am I always so tired? Tired of school, tired of dealing with money, tired of stress, tired of not being in other places, tired of missing Africa. Oh yeah, my South African stalker seems to be leaving me alone. If you haven't heard that story, it is definitely an exciting one! Well, sorry to ramble on, but when I get home in the afternoon and know that nobody will be home to talk to me until 9:30 or 10pm, I really miss you girls! Thought I would just remind you of what it is like for me to talk your ear off! PS - I went to the Utah Symphony for the first time on Wednesday - it was great!

Flingingness

Hmmmm....I do feel that I have to make some reply to the previous post by our Uptown Girl. As I read the reflections regarding the fling, I can't help but think that there could have been an ulterior motive. Could it be that our fellow white mother is worried that the other three white mothers might realize that she now has the opportunity for a fling, but is reneging on the summer-fling agreement? Is she worried that we will pressure her into a fling with someone? If that is true, so be it. I don't mind that opportunities for flings are not taken, but I still write in defense of summer flings. The best season of the year (fall) should be kept for serious relationships. Flings are generally reserved for the summer because it is a time of transition and relocation, as well as fun. When one is in a place solely for a season (generally summer), flings are definitely more likely. Sure, you can pretend it is more than a fling, but what happens when fall comes? Long distance relationships are not easy on anyone, as previous experiences within the four white mothers circle have shown. Ah, well, really it just comes down to opportunity. If a fling develops into a full-fledged relationship, is there anything wrong with that? I think not. I still disagree with the idea that wanting to get some summer-lovin' is bad. Really, though, I think that all of us realize that we have failed in this department so far anyway and that is what stings. One mother, though, now has a golden opportunity and should not feel that she has to take it. If she would like to let it pass her by, so be it. The opportunity for summer flings will soon pass for all of us, although there are still some weeks left...

The Summers and the Flingings

Don't forget the russian accent when you say the title of this one.

So, I've been thinking. The four white mothers have done a considerable amount of joking about summer flings. But the more I think about it, the more disturbing it has become. Not disturbing to the point of soliciting tears, a vomitous response, or even a need for extra hugs. Just a little... off. Perhaps this comes from observation more than contemplation, or maybe it's a mixture of both. But I think that any of the four white mothers would happily meet someone that they could spend the summer loving. Am I right? But why is it that it all has to come to an end with the arrival of my favorite season of all? There's no commitment involved, and that's the "beauty" of the idea, but wouldn't you only really want to have a relationship with someone that you cared about? And that cared about you? And if that is the case, I think it is worth preserving. Or at least trying to.

That's all.

I miss you!

September Grass

So...pretty much...this James Taylor song is the hottest song ever. I never can get enough of it. It's so great. I mean...let's be honest...it doesn't get much better than sultry phrases like, "So I'll be king and you'll be queen, Our kingdom's gonna be this little patch of green," "Oh, September grass is the sweetest kind, It goes down easy like apple wine," or "We're so small and the world's so vast, We found each other down in the grass." Those lines are all my favorite because...well...they're just hot. And let's not forget the sensual allusion to grass stains (yeah...we all know what he's talking about. Those definitely aren't the kind of grass stains we got when we were kids playing soccer on a Saturday afternoon...ha ha).

I made the mistake of sharing my love for this song with my little sister. Let's just say that she didn't quite understand my fascination with James' seductive syntax. Instead of concordance, I got a skeptical glare that screamed "yuck!" I guess I should have expected pure disgust from a fifteen-year-old, but it made me miss my other white mothers, who I know would have agreed with me.

But seriously...it is a hot song, don't you think?

A Bad Day That Just Got Worse

Farewell Brazil...Farewell...

A Sad, Sad Day

I still can't believe it...the game went into double overtime and then penalty kicks, but they just couldn't win it...tragic...truly tragic...